收集英语笑话,大家共享! 共同进步!  (学英语应该快快乐乐的学)

罐头桃子

收集英语笑话,大家共享! 共同进步! 希望大家学习工作之余可以放松一下, 支持一下.
最后,祝大家都学业有成,前程似锦

我来开个头

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!  
[align=justify]
Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.      

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh  

The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
         

Dear NOrman,
         
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
         
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.!
         
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

wdscxsj

Senate Slander
==============================

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

支持一下。其实Google首页有个iGoogle，可以添加自己喜欢的widgets在上面，里面就有Joy of the Day之类的玩意，每天连一下就可以看了。其它比如Quotes of the Day, GRE Word of the Day, Fat Loss Tip of the Day, TODO 等等的都挺实用，还有很多网站和blog的feeds可以添加。特此推荐。

水冰清

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"



Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"

两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

flyhigh2006

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".

Do You Know My Work？
One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．
“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don't think of money when they're afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”
“You don't know my work，” said the other．

“What is your work？”
“I'm a policeman．
“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．
“I'm a writer． I'm always telling stories about things that never happened．”
译文：
你知道我是干什么的吗？
一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。
两个人站在外面，看着大火。
“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
“你是干什么的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”

timessjy

1.Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
2.A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!”
一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应该给谁。“谁最听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么？”他问道。 大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩儿吧。”

helenpisces

The Perfect Son. 一个乖儿子
A: I have the perfect son.甲: 我有一个很乖的儿子.
B: Does he smoke? 乙:他抽烟吗?
A: No, he doesn't. 甲:不,他不抽烟.
B: Does he drink whiskey? 乙:他喝酒吗?
A: No, he doesn't. 甲:他不喝酒.
B: Does he ever come home late? 乙:他曾经很晚回家吗?
A: No, he doesn't. 甲:他从不晚回家.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 乙:我想你的儿子真的很乖.他几岁啦?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday. 甲:他下周就满六个月啦!

wjmail

Does the dog know the proverb,　too?

　　　 The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

　　　 "It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

　　　 "Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

　　  狗也知道这个谚语吗？

　　　 一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。

　　　“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”

　　　“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”


But the teacher cried

　　　The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.

　　When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.

　　"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"

　　"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"

　　可是老师哭了

　　六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。

　　约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？”

　　“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”

liqin11

liqin11

Advice for "Kid"

　　A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."


　　忠告“年轻者”

　　这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，

　　千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”

wjmail

(来两个中英合壁的英语笑话，供大家娱乐)
1、
昨天来了个老外，进到办公室，前台小姐左看右看，大家都在打游戏，只有自己比较清闲，面带微笑地——
前台小姐：“Hello.”
老外：“Hi.”
前台小姐：“You have what thing？”
老外：“Can you speak english？”
前台小姐：“If I not speak english, I am speaking what？”
老外：“Can anybody else speak english？”
前台小姐：“You yourself look. All people are playing, no people have time, you can wait, you wait, you not wait, you go！”
老外：“Good heavens. Anybody here can speak English？”
前台小姐：“Shout what shout, quiet a little, you on earth have what thing？”
老外：“I want to speak to your head.”
前台小姐：“Head not zai. You tomorrow come！”


2、

某男，粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是sex。
该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week“。
签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.“
该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female“，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?“
男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.”


3、

女：say“i love you”，say it，come on！say it！　　　
男：it！

4、

“我已经反着穿了！”

A woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It's too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?”

The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don't think it's necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?”

His wife was very angry at this. “How lazy you are!” She shouted, “To tell you the truth, I turned it over last week.”


5、

Write for mail order

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "lease send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "lease send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."


6、

一切都正常

A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned." "You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?" "Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay."

shunu

　Logic Reasoning

　　A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

　　"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

　　A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

　　逻辑推理

　　小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？” 一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”



A Smart Housewife.

　　A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"

　　精明的家庭主妇

　　一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。她听了大为兴奋，说：“那太好了！一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗？”

jinke

Perfect Man, Perfect Woman  

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

diyijun

趣味英语Q&A

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
  怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

diyijun

He is really somebody

　　-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

　　-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

　　-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

　　　他真是一个大人物

　　-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

　　-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？

　　-- 墓地守墓人。

flyhigh2006

1

时间对猪有什么意义

One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"

  一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"

2

Where is the father?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

        父亲在哪儿？

　　　 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

　　　 “看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”

　　　 “是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”

　　　 哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”

3

Does the dog know the proverb,　too?

The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

　　  狗也知道这个谚语吗？

　　　 一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。

　　　“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”

　　　“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”

nksgyszld

Dear wang litte girl:
    From see you one　eye， I shit love you.
　　your eyes close，I die;your eyes open ，I come back olive.Your　eyes close and open again and again ，I die again and　again.
　　Maybe you do not know me ，no　matter.one see clock emotion is pop.
　　I think I should introduce myself to you.
　　I call Li old big. toyear 25.
　　My home four mouth people:papa，mama，I and　DD.
　　I beat letter very fast，because I am a computer high hand.Ieven　act as black guest.
　　I do early fuck every day，so that I can have strong body to protect you.
　　Please come to eat and sleep with me， or I will cut my　hair to be a monk ， and  find a place where many monks　live in to over mylife.
    your old big

jjyyer

Teacher:Tom,why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time ,when I come to the corner,a sign says:"SCHOOL GO SLOW".
______________________________________________________
A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London."
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
The man replied: "Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you."
______________________________________________________
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
__________________________________________________
A large woman put on a dress and asked her husband if the dress made her look different.
Her husband said, " You’re asking the wrong person, I saw you before you put it on."

jjyyer

One day Bill Clinton was talking to Hillary. He was going on a vacation and before he left said, "Whatever you do, don't look under my bed." So while Bill was on vacation Hillary got curious and decided to look under his bed. She found a million dollars and 2 empty beer cans. When Bill came home she said, "What's with the two beer cans under your bed?" Bill replied, "Oh. That marks all the times I've cheated on you." "Well, I forgive you," said Hillary, "But then what's with the million dollars?" He replied, "I've started to recycle."
__________________________________________
When things go wrong,
When sadness fill your heart,
When tears flow in your eyes,
Just let me know,
Cause I want to be there for you,
I am selling tissues,buy one get one free
__________________________________________
A voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency."

All our confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please contact us."
___________________________________
"I hear the boys are gonna strike," one worker told another.
"What for?" asked the friend.
"Shorter hours."
"Good for them. I always did think 60 minutes was too long for an hour."
____________________________________

andy10000

Roses for My Wife

On the way home one night, I spotted some fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman.

"Are these for your wife, sir?" she asked.

"Yes," I said.

"For her birthday?" she asked.

"No," I replied.

"For your anniversary?"

"No," I said again.

As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, "I hope she forgives you."

给妻子的玫瑰

一天晚上回家的路上，我看到一家花店外面有一些刚剪下来的玫瑰。我挑了一打，走进店里，一个年轻的女售货员跟我打了个招呼。

“先生，这些是送给你妻子的吗？”她问道。

“是的，”我说。

“她的生日？”她问。

“不是，”我回答。

“你们的结婚纪念日？”

“不是，”我又答道。

当我将找回的钱装进口袋，朝门口走去时，那年轻的女人冲我喊道：“希望她能原谅你。”