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Stroke of insight: Jill Bolte Taylor on TED.com
Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor had an opportunity few brain scientists would wish for: One morning, she realized she was having a massive stroke. As it happened -- as she felt her brain functions slip away one by one, speech, movement, understanding -- she studied and remembered every moment. This is a powerful story of recovery and awareness -- of how our brains define us and connect us to the world and to one another. (Recorded February 2008 in Monterey, California. Duration: 18:44.)
http://video.ted.com/talks/embed/JillBolteTaylor_2008-embed_high.flv
以下中文翻譯摘自 Med in Life
我決定研究腦部是因為我的哥哥被診\斷出精神分裂症。我身為他的妹妹以及一個科學家，我想了解為什麼我可以將我的夢想和現實生活做連結，並讓我的夢想成真，而我的哥哥卻沒辦法將他的夢想連結到大家共享的現實世界中，導致這些夢想變成了幻覺？
所以我全心投入重度心理疾病的研究，並從我的家鄉印第安那州搬遷到了波士頓，到哈佛大學精神醫學部， Francine Benes 博士的研究室工作。我們研究的問題是，所謂「正常人」的大腦和那些精神分裂患者、精神混亂患者、和躁鬱患者的大腦，在生理上到底有什麼不同？換句話說，我們其實在繪出腦內的電路 – 哪些細胞會跟哪些細胞溝通？用什麼化學物質來溝通？用多少化學物質來溝通？我白天都在做這種研究，所以日子過的很充實。到了晚上和週末，我四處奔走替 NAMI (國家心理疾病聯盟) 作宣導。
但是在1996年10月10號，我醒來時發現自己的腦部出現了問題。一根血管在我的左腦破裂，在接下來的四個鐘頭，我看著自己的腦功能徹底退化。腦溢血的那個早上，我無法行走、說話、閱讀、寫字，或是記得我的人生。我幾乎變成了一個嬰兒，躲在女人的軀殼裡。
如果你看過人腦，就會很清楚地知道腦的左右兩半球是完全分開的。我帶來了一個真的人腦，這是腦的前端，這是腦的後端，連接著脊髓，而在我的頭顱裡面它是這樣擺著的。左腦和右腦是分開的，用電腦術語來講，右腦的功能像一個並聯處理器，而左腦像一個串聯處理器。左腦和右腦靠著胼胝體 (三億個神經元軸突纖維組成的構造) 來溝通。除此之外，左右腦是完全分離的。因為左腦和右腦用不同的方式處理資訊、想著不同的事情、關心不同的事情，所以我說他們有迥異的性格。
我們的右腦只關心此時、此刻、當下：它用圖像來思考，用肢體運\動來學習。外界的資訊以能量的型態不斷地流進我們的感覺神經系統，然後在體內如爆炸般地拼湊出「當下」的模樣、氣味、觸感、和聲音。「我」是一種能量體，藉由右腦的意識與外界的能量連結。我們都是能量體，藉由右腦的作用彼此連結成一個大家族。而此時此地，我們都是這星球上的兄弟姊妹，為了讓這個世界更美好而存在。在這個當下，我們是完美無暇的，是完整的，是美麗的。
左腦則是一個很不一樣的地方。它用線性和規律去思考，關心著過去和未來。它的功能在於把我們拼湊出來的「當下」，挑選其中的細節，以及細節中的細節，並且把這些細節分類整理，再把它們連結到過去的經驗和未來的憧憬。我們的左腦用語言來思考。它是把「我」的內心世界和外在環境持續連結起來的獨白。它是提醒我「回家的路上記得要買香蕉，然後早上要記得吃」的那個小聲音。它是告訴我什麼時候該把衣服拿去洗的計算機。最重要的，它是告訴我：「我是我」的那個聲音。當我的左腦告訴我：「我是我」的時候，我便從外界環境的能量分離出來，我變得獨特。而它是我在腦中風的那個早上，喪失功能的那部份。
中風的那個早上，我醒來時覺得左眼後方傳來陣陣疼痛，像是一口咬在冰淇淋上的那種痛。它一陣一陣的，而我很少會有這種痛的感覺。但我不以為意，起床後照樣踏上了我的滑步機，開始運\動。然後我發現我的手像是原始生物的爪子，抓在把手上。我那時心想：「咦，好怪。」我往下了看我的身體之後發現：「哇！我看起來好詭異。」在那一刻，我的意識彷彿和現實經驗分離了，彷彿我正在另外一個空間觀察著我自己經歷著這一切。
正當我對一切感到困惑的時候，我的頭痛加劇了。於是我從滑步機下來，走到客廳，卻發現我體內的一切都慢了下來。每一個步伐都非常僵硬而且刻意，失去了原本應有的流暢。我的感官變得只關注我體內的運\作，當我準備沖澡的時候，我彷彿聽到有個聲音在說：「你們這群肌肉，開始收縮！你們那群，放鬆。」
接著我失去了平衡，靠在牆壁上。我看著我的手臂，發現我找不到身體的界線。我不知道自己是從哪個點開始的，又到哪裡結束，因為組成我手臂的原子和分子和牆壁融合成一體了。我感覺到的只有能量。我心想：「我到底怎麼了？發生什麼事了？」在那一刻，我左腦的聲音突然消失了，彷彿有人拿了遙控器按下靜音 - 徹底的安靜。
一開始我被大腦安靜的程度嚇到了，不過我的注意力很快又集中在周圍那片能量海。因為我感受不到我身體的界線，我覺得我好巨大，好像在膨脹。我覺得我和周遭所有的能量融合成一體，那個境界很美。
突然間，左腦又「上線」了，並告訴我：「喂！出問題了，快想辦法求救！」但在我意識到情況不妙之後，很快地我又漂出理性意識之外，來到了一個我稱作「啦啦國」的地方，那邊很美。試想：能夠完全脫離腦內的聲音，切斷與現實生活的連結，那會是什麼樣子。我在那個空間裡面，一切工作上的壓力都消失了，我感覺自己變的好輕。你可以想像在那邊，所有人際關係上的壓力也都消失了…我感受到的是一片安詳。你想想這37年以來，所有的情緒負擔都消失不見會是什麼樣子。我感受到了極樂，美麗的極樂。但我的左腦又上線說：「喂！你專心一點！快點求救！」於是我思考著，我要求救，要專心。我從浴室出來，僵硬地穿好衣服想去公司，不過我有辦法開車嗎？
就在那一瞬間，我的右臂徹底麻痺。我此時才驚覺，我中風了。頓時，我的第一個反應是：「這太帥了！有幾個神經學家能夠在自己的身上研究腦部啊？」不過我又想到：「我這麼忙，沒有時間中風啊！但我沒有辦法阻止他發生，那好吧，就暫時休息一兩個禮拜，再回復我正常的生活。」
所以我想打電話到公司求助。我不記得公司的電話號碼，但我記得在家裡的辦公室有一張名片，上面有公司的電話。所以我到辦公室拿出了一疊三吋厚的名片，雖然我很清楚地知道我要找的那張名片長什麼樣子，但我不知道哪一張才是正確的，因為我只能看見一格一格像素般的東西。這些像素點又全部融合在一起，我根本無法判斷。我必須要等過了一段時間之後，才會偶爾出現一波能夠清楚辨認字體的時段，只有在那時候我才能判斷：不是這張，不是這張，不是那張。我花了45分鐘才找了1/3的名片。
在這45分鐘的時間，我左腦的出血越來越多。我開始無法理解數字，我甚至無法理解電話這東西，但我別無他法。我抓著話筒，開始比對公司名片上的扭曲線條和電話按鍵的扭曲線條，撥號。但當我的意識又漂到「啦啦國」再回到現實世界的時候，我不記得是否已經按過這些數字。所以我只好在每次按下一個號碼之後，用我麻痺的那隻手把那個數字蓋住，只有這樣我才能在回到現實世界之後，知道哪些數字已經撥過了。我終於打通了電話，然而我同事接起電話之後，傳來的卻是「嗚嗚嗚嗚」的扭曲聲音。我那時心想：「我的天，他聽起來像是一隻黃金獵犬！」於是我說：「我是 Jill ！我需要幫助！」不過從我口中出來的卻是：「嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚。」我心想：「我的天，連我都變成黃金獵犬了。」這時我才發現，我根本無法說話，也聽不懂別人說的話。
幸好我同事發現事情不對勁，叫了救護車。後來我在救護車上，被送往 Mass General 醫院。我的身體蜷曲成胎兒的姿勢，我像洩了氣的氣球一樣，覺得能量從我體內流出，覺得我的靈魂已經投降了。在那一刻，我知道我已無法主導我的生命，除非醫生把我救活，不然這會是我離開人間的時候。
我那天下午醒來，很驚訝地發現我還活著。當我感覺到我的靈魂投降的時候，我向自己說了再見，但現在我身處於兩個截然不同的世界。外界傳來的刺激，經過我的感官系統成為了劇痛。光線如野火般燒著我的腦部，外界的聲音是那麼的嘈雜且混亂，讓我只想逃離。另一方面，我無法感受到我的身體，所以我覺得巨大、膨脹，像神燈精靈那樣。我的靈魂像鯨魚般在極樂的大海中遨遊，一切都很和諧。我那時還想著，我大概沒有辦法再把這個巨大的自己壓縮回小小的身體裡面。
不過我發現我還活著！我活著而且我達到了涅盤。如果我活著而且達到了涅盤，那所有活著的人都可以達到涅盤。我想像著一個世界，充滿著美麗、安詳、慈悲、關愛的人們，他們知道他們能夠隨時到這個空間來，靠著意識跳出左腦，進到右腦來尋找這份安祥。然後我發現這個經驗是多麼的寶貴，因為中風，讓我了解應該如何活出我的生命。這個念頭不斷地激勵著我復原。
事發的兩個半星期之後，醫生把我的血塊從腦部清除，它有高爾夫球那麼大，壓迫到我的語言中心。我花了八年的時間才完全康復。
所以我們究竟是誰？我們是宇宙中的生命能源，有著精巧的雙手和兩個用來認知的腦部。每一秒，我們都有能力去選擇我們要成為怎樣的人、要在這世上過怎樣的日子。此時此地，我可以進到右腦的意識裡，成為宇宙中的生命能量，成為我身上50兆個精妙細胞的能源，與一切合而唯一。我也可以進入左腦的意識，與所有的能量切割，成為獨立的個體，成為 Jill Bolte Taylor 博士、神經解剖學家。這些是我體內的分身。
你會怎麼選擇？我相信，如果我們花愈多時間啟動右腦那安詳平和的電路，我們就可以把更多的安詳平和投射到這個世界上。而我認為，這是一個值得分享的念頭。
I grew up to study the brain because I have a brother who has been diagnosed with a brain disorder, schizophrenia. And as a sister and as a scientist, I wanted to understand, why is it that I can take my dreams, I can connect them to my reality, and I can make my dreams come true -- what is it about my brother's brain and his schizophrenia that he cannot connect his dreams to a common, shared reality, so they instead become delusions?
So I dedicated my career to research into the severe mental illnesses. And I moved from my home state of Indiana to Boston where I was working in the lab of Dr. Francine Benes, in the Harvard Department of Psychiatry. And in the lab, we were asking the question, What are the biological differences between the brains of individuals who would be diagnosed as normal control, as compared to the brains of individuals diagnosed with schizophrenia, schizoaffective, or bipolar disorder?
So we were essentially mapping the microcircuitry of the brain, which cells are communicating with which cells, with which chemicals, and then with what quantities of those chemicals. So there was a lot of meaning in my life because I was performing this kind of research during the day. But then in the evenings and on the weekends I traveled as an advocate for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
But on the morning of December 10 1996 I woke up to discover that I had a brain disorder of my own. A blood vessel exploded in the left half of my brain. And in the course of four hours I watched my brain completely deteriorate in its ability to process all information. On the morning of the hemorrhage I could not walk, talk, read, write or recall any of my life. I essentially became an infant in a woman's body.
If you've ever seen a human brain, it's obvious that the two hemispheres are completely separate from one another. And I have brought for you a real human brain. [Thanks.] So, this is a real human brain. This is the front of the brain, the back of the brain with a spinal cord hanging down, and this is how it would be positioned inside of my head. And when you look at the brain, it's obvious that the two cerebral cortices are completely separate from one another. For those of you who understand computers, our right hemisphere functions like a parallel processor. While our left hemisphere functions like a serial processor. The two hemispheres do communicate with one another through the corpus collosum, which is made up of some 300 million axonal fibers. But other than that, the two hemispheres are completely separate. Because they process information differently, each hemisphere thinks about different things, they care about different things, and dare I say, they have very different personalities. [Excuse me. Thank you. It's been a joy.]
Our right hemisphere is all about this present moment. It's all about right here right now. Our right hemisphere, it thinks in pictures and it learns kinesthetically through the movement of our bodies. Information in the form of energy streams in simultaneously through all of our sensory systems. And then it explodes into this enormous collage of what this present moment looks like. What this present moment smells like and tastes like, what it feels like and what it sounds like. I am an energy being connected to the energy all around me through the consciousness of my right hemisphere. We are energy beings connected to one another through the consciousness of our right hemispheres as one human family. And right here, right now, all we are brothers and sisters on this planet, here to make the world a better place. And in this moment we are perfect. We are whole. And we are beautiful.
My left hemisphere is a very different place. Our left hemisphere thinks linearly and methodically. Our left hemisphere is all about the past, and it's all about the future. Our left hemisphere is designed to take that enormous collage of the present moment. And start picking details and more details and more details about those details. It then categorizes and organizes all that information. Associates it with everything in the past we've ever learned and projects into the future all of our possibilities. And our left hemisphere thinks in language. It's that ongoing brain chatter that connects me and my internal world to my external world. It's that little voice that says to me, \"Hey, you gotta remember to pick up bananas on your way home, and eat 'em in the morning.\" It's that calculating intelligence that reminds me when I have to do my laundry. But perhaps most important, it's that little voice that says to me, \"I am. I am.\" And as soon as my left hemisphere says to me \"I am,\" I become separate. I become a single solid individual separate from the energy flow around me and separate from you.
And this was the portion of my brain that I lost on the morning of my stroke.
On the morning of the stroke, I woke up to a pounding pain behind my left eye. And it was the kind of pain, caustic pain, that you get when you bite into ice cream. And it just gripped me and then it released me. Then it just gripped me and then released me. And it was very unusual for me to experience any kind of pain, so I thought OK, I'll just start my normal routine. So I got up and I jumped onto my cardio glider, which is a full-body exercise machine. And I'm jamming away on this thing, and I'm realizing that my hands looked like primitive claws grasping onto the bar. I thought \"that's very peculiar\" and I looked down at my body and I thought, \"whoa, I'm a weird-looking thing.\" And it was as though my consciousness had shifted away from my normal perception of reality, where I'm the person on the machine having the experience, to some esoteric space where I'm witnessing myself having this experience.
And it was all every peculiar and my headache was just getting worse, so I get off the machine, and I'm walking across my living room floor, and I realize that everything inside of my body has slowed way down. And every step is very rigid and very deliberate. There's no fluidity to my pace, and there's this constriction in my area of perceptions so I'm just focused on internal systems. And I'm standing in my bathroom getting ready to step into the shower and I could actually hear the dialog inside of my body. I heard a little voice saying, \"OK, you muscles, you gotta contract, you muscles you relax.\"
And I lost my balance and I'm propped up against the wall. And I look down at my arm and I realize that I can no longer define the boundaries of my body. I can't define where I begin and where I end. Because the atoms and the molecules of my arm blended with the atoms and molecules of the wall. And all I could detect was this energy. Energy. And I'm asking myself, \"What is wrong with me, what is going on?\" And in that moment, my brain chatter, my left hemisphere brain chatter went totally silent. Just like someone took a remote control and pushed the mute button and -- total silence.
And at first I was shocked to find myself inside of a silent mind. But then I was immediately captivated by the magnificence of energy around me. And because I could no longer identify the boundaries of my body, I felt enormous and expansive. I felt at one with all the energy that was, and it was beautiful there.
Then all of a sudden my left hemisphere comes back online and it says to me, \"Hey! we got a problem, we got a problem, we gotta get some help.\" So it's like, OK, OK, I got a problem, but then I immediately drifted right back out into the consciousness, and I affectionately referred to this space as La La Land. But it was beautiful there. Imagine what it would be like to be totally disconnected from your brain chatter that connects you to the external world. So here I am in this space and any stress related to my, to my job, it was gone. And I felt lighter in my body. And imagine all of the relationships in the external world and the many stressors related to any of those, they were gone. I felt a sense of peacefulness. And imagine what it would feel like to lose 37 years of emotional baggage! I felt euphoria. Euphoria was beautiful -- and then my left hemisphere comes online and it says \"Hey! you've got to pay attention, we've got to get help,\" and I'm thinking, \"I got to get help, I gotta focus.\" So I get out of the shower and I mechanically dress and I'm walking around my apartment, and I'm thinking, \"I gotta get to work, I gotta get to work, can I drive? can I drive?\"
And in that moment my right arm went totally paralyzed by my side. And I realized, \"Oh my gosh! I'm having a stroke! I'm having a stroke!\" And the next thing my brain says to me is, \"Wow! This is so cool. This is so cool. How many brain scientists have the opportunity to study their own brain from the inside out?\"
And then it crosses my mind: \"But I'm a very busy woman. I don't have time for a stroke!\" So I'm like, \"OK, I can't stop the stroke from happening so I'll do this for a week or two, and then I'll get back to my routine, OK.\"
So I gotta call help, I gotta call work. I couldn't remember the number at work, so I remembered, in my office I had a business card with my number on it. So I go in my business room, I pull out a 3-inch stack of business cards. And I'm looking at the card on top, and even though I could see clearly in my mind's eye what my business card looked like, I couldn't tell if this was my card or not, because all I could see were pixels. And the pixels of the words blended with the pixels of the background and the pixels of the symbols, and I just couldn't tell. And I would wait for what I call a wave of clarity. And in that moment, I would be able to reattach to normal reality and I could tell, that's not the card, that's not the card, that's not the card. It took me 45 minutes to get one inch down inside of that stack of cards.
In the meantime, for 45 minutes the hemorrhage is getting bigger in my left hemisphere. I do not understand numbers, I do not understand the telephone, but it's the only plan I have. So I take the phone pad and I put it right here, I'd take the business card, I'd put it right here, and I'm matching the shape of the squiggles on the card to the shape of the squiggles on the phone pad. But then I would drift back out into La La Land, and not remember when I come back if I'd already dialed those numbers.
So I had to wield my paralyzed arm like a stump, and cover the numbers as I went along and pushed them, so that as I would come back to normal reality I'd be able to tell, yes, I've already dialed that number. Eventually the whole number gets dialed, and I'm listening to the phone, and my colleague picks up the phone and he says to me, \"Whoo woo wooo woo woo.\" [laughter] And I think to myself, \"Oh my gosh, he sounds like a golden retriever!\" And so I say to him, clear in my mind I say to him. \"This is Jill! I need help!\" And what comes out of my voice is, \"Whoo woo wooo woo woo.\" I'm thinking, \"Oh my gosh, I sound like a golden retriever.\" So I couldn't know, I didn't know that I couldn't speak or understand language until I tried.
So he recognizes that I need help, and he gets me help. And a little while later, I am riding in an ambulance from one hospital across Boston to Mass General Hospital. And I curl up into a little fetal ball. And just like a balloon with the last bit of air just, just right out of the balloon I felt my energy lift and I felt my spirit surrender. And in that moment I knew that I was no longer the choreographer of my life. And either the doctors rescue my body and give me a second chance at life or this was perhaps my moment of transition.
When I awoke later that afternoon I was shocked to discover that I was still alive. When I felt my spirit surrender, I said goodbye to my life, and my mind is now suspended between two very opposite planes of reality. Stimulation coming in through my sensory systems felt like pure pain. Light burned my brain like wildfire and sounds were so loud and chaotic that I could not pick a voice out from the background noise and I just wanted to escape. Because I could not identify the position of my body in space, I felt enormous and expensive, like a genie just liberated from her bottle. And my spirit soared free like a great whale gliding through the sea of silent euphoria. Harmonic. I remember thinking there's no way I would ever be able to squeeze the enormousness of myself back inside this tiny little body.
But I realized \"But I'm still alive! I'm still alive and I have found Nirvana. And if I have found Nirvana and I'm still alive, then everyone who is alive can find Nirvana.\" I picture a world filled with beautiful, peaceful, compassionate, loving people who knew that they could come to this space at any time. And that they could purposely choose to step to the right of their left hemispheres and find this peace. And then I realized what a tremendous gift this experience could be, what a stroke of insight this could be to how we live our lives. And it motivated my to recover.
Two and a half weeks after the hemorrhage, the surgeons went in and they removed a blood clot the size of a golf ball that was pushing on my language centers. Here I am with my mama, who's a true angel in my life. It took me eight years to completely recover.
So who are we? We are the life force power of the universe, with manual dexterity and two cognitive minds. And we have the power to choose, moment by moment, who and how we want to be in the world. Right here right now, I can step into the consciousness of my right hemisphere where we are -- I am -- the life force power of the universe, and the life force power of the 50 trillion beautiful molecular geniuses that make up my form. At one with all that is. Or I can choose to step into the consciousness of my left hemisphere. where I become a single individual, a solid, separate from the flow, separate from you. I am Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, intellectual, neuroanatomist. These are the \"we\" inside of me.
Which would you choose? Which do you choose? And when? I believe that the more time we spend choosing to run the deep inner peace circuitry of our right hemispheres, the more peace we will project into the world and the more peaceful our planet will be. And I thought that was an idea worth spreading.
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发表于 2009-7-10 10:51:19
