Dealing with Affairs of the Heart

如何处理婚外情

(Originally in English)


Q: How does a man cope when he's been married unhappily
but then falls in love with another married lady?

当一个男人结婚后不幸福，并且爱上另外一位

有夫之妇时，应该如何处理？

A: You have to look to your own marriage and see whether it is absolutely not salvageable, amendable or improvable. Or whether you are seeking love in another relationship just as an excuse for your own pleasure. Because it's already troublesome enough to have one marriage. So it is better if we can take care of our marriage relationship. I know it's difficult; everything is difficult in this world. But that doesn't mean it's impossible.


答：你必须检视自己的婚姻是否真的完全无法补救或改善了，或是这只是自己个人寻求快乐的一个借口。因为有一个婚姻就已经够伤脑筋了，麻烦够多了，所以最好的方式就是照顾好自己的婚姻关系。我知道这不容易，这个世界上每件事都不容易，但并不代表不可能。


Talk to your wife about where the problem lies. But don't talk to her about your affair, please. If you talk about that, there may be no more solution. It's alright; if you think it was a mistake, you may try to cut it down or forsake it. But talk to your wife about how to improve your relationship: where she is failing, or where you are failing, and where you need her attention or improvement, or where she needs you.


所以请和你的太太一起探讨问题的症结所在，但请不要告诉她你有外遇；一旦你提及此事，那问题就无解了。没关系，如果你觉得自己做错了，那就要试着放弃或结束掉这段婚外情，但也要和太太恳切深谈如何改善你们之间的关系，将你们希望对方注意改进的地方提出来互相讨论，让彼此都知道自己有哪些地方做得不够好，哪些还需要改进。


Talk to each other. Buy new presents for her; buy a beautiful dress for her. Adorn her with beautiful things; make her your beauty. Make her the beauty of your life, instead of spending time and energy on somebody else's woman. Because you don't possess her anyhow. It's better to take care of what you have, and not waste time and energy on other people's possessions. It doesn't matter how much you like the neighbor's car, you don't go and spray gold on it. Spray it on your own car! Take care of your car, because you drive the car and you need it every day. The car is necessary for you. The neighbor's car you can admire quietly, but don't spray gold on it. Don't look after it too much and neglect your car. One day maybe the driver of the neighboring car will drive that car away, and suddenly you will have to go without anything. Your car is in the garage, broken down, uncared for, and now you are in trouble.


　然后买些礼物、漂亮的服饰送给她，让她打扮得漂漂亮亮的，成为你生命中的美人，而不是浪费时间和精力在别人的太太身上，因为毕竟那位女士并非归你所有，所以最好是照顾自己所拥有的，而不是浪费时间和精力在别人的「财产」上。不管你有多么喜欢邻居的车，也不要铺黄金在它上面，要铺的话，是要铺在自己车上。所以好好照顾自己的车，因为车子是你在开，你每天都需要用到车，它是你的必需品。邻居的车可以默默地欣赏就好，但不必在上面铺黄金，也不要把注意力都放在那里而忽略了你自己的车。一旦邻居将车子开走，那时候你就什么也看不到了，而你自己车库的车却因疏于保养而故障不能开了，那就麻烦了！


So work for your marriage, if you think it's worthwhile. And then also, at the same time, respect other people's marriages. It hurts to forsake the things you love. But think of the other man. If you were in his position, would you feel happy? Would you not prefer your wife to be faithful and devoted to you? So make your wife a good wife, and make yourself a good husband. And make the neighbor's wife also become a good wife to her husband. That would be the best solution, if you don't find a better one.


所以，如果你认为值得，就要好好经营自己的婚姻，同时也要尊重别人的婚姻。放弃自己所钟爱的事物，的确令人伤感，但你必须替对方的先生想一想，如果你是处在他的立场，你会觉得快乐吗？你难道不喜欢自己的太太对你忠实且深爱着你吗？所以让你的太太成为贤妻，你自己也做个好丈夫，同时也让邻居的妻子当她先生的好太太。如果你没有其它更好的对策，这应该就是最好的解决方法。


Thank you for trusting me with your personal family problem. But this is also very important. If your heart is not peaceful, no matter how many wives you have, your business and everything will go wrong. It's better to be satisfied with what you have, and take care of it and beautify it. Make it more beautiful and more suitable for your taste. Just like you cultivate your garden and plant your roses, make what you have more beautiful for yourself.

谢谢你对我的信任，告诉我你私人的家庭问题。但这也是非常重要的，因为如果你的心不安的话，不论你有多少个太太、事业有多大，还是会出问题。所以最好满足于你所拥有的，好好照顾它、美化它，让它更美丽、更合你的品味，就像美化自己的花园一样，种一些你喜爱的玫瑰花，让花园更漂亮，供自己观赏。