翻译练习兼批评

At 7 p.m. there was still no sign of the ship. Abraham Brill, my friend and fellow physician, was waiting at the harbor for the same reason as I.
傍晚七点，仍没见到任何船只的桅帆。我的朋友和同是医生的亚伯拉罕·布里尔在港口等待的理由也跟我一样。
[这处问题有二：“我的朋友和同是医生的亚伯拉罕·布里尔”汉语本身存在歧义；
并且，英语原文的主干是“亚伯拉罕·布里尔也等待”，李译者的译法殊难认同。]

A ridiculous premonition came to me that the George Washington had run aground in the fog, her twenty-five hundred European passengers drowning at the foot of the Statue of Liberty.
我心中起了一个荒唐的念头：乔治·华盛顿号在迷雾中触礁了，两百五十个欧洲乘客在自由女神像脚下被淹没。
[twenty-five hundred能被译作“两百五十个”，我也真有点佩服起李译者起来了。]

All at once, the vast white ship appeared—not as a dot on the horizon, but mammoth, emerging from the mist full-blown before our eyes. The entire pier, with a collective gasp, drew back at the apparition.
刹那间，巨大的白色轮船——不像地平线上的细点那样、而是猛犸般——从我们眼前的迷雾冒出来。整个码头被吓了一跳，齐声发出惊叫。
[与原文作个比较，就会发现译文其实是非常怪异的，格式怪异，文意怪异，另外“drew back”也未译出。
我的改译：“倏忽间，白色的巨轮突现了——它并不像是地平线上的一个细点，而更像一头猛犸，从我们眼皮底下的迷雾中冒了出来。整个码头在这幕异景前齐声发出尖叫，往后退却。”]

The first of the trio was a distinguished, immaculately groomed, gray-haired, and gray-bearded gentleman whom I knew at once to be the Viennese psychiatrist Dr. Sigmund Freud.
三人中领头的是须发灰白的男子，双眉紧锁，我立刻认出他就是那个维也纳的心理分析专家，西格蒙德·弗洛伊德大夫。
[distinguished，immaculately groomed，gray-haired, and gray-bearded 在李译者的笔下变成了“须发灰白”、“双眉紧锁”。我们知道“gray-haired, and gray-bearded”是“须发灰白”，莫非“immaculately groomed”是“双眉紧锁”的意思？“immaculately groomed”明明是“打扮得不染纤尘”、“distinguished”是“长相好认”之类的意思。]

Eighteen months later, the mayor had to repeat the same ceremony at the fifty-story Metropolitan Life tower on Twenty-fourth Street.
十八个月后，市长不得不在第42号街高达五十层的“都市生活”大楼重复了同样的仪式。
[对照原文，此处又是厉害了，偷龙转凤，Twenty-fourth Street成了42街。]

His investors had advanced $6,000,000 toward its construction, of which he had kept not a penny, scrupulously remitting the entire amount to the builder, the American Steel and Fabrication Company.
投资人为工程筹集600万美元，他分文不取，精打细算地把钱都转给承建商，美国钢铁建筑公司。
[这处的问题出在汉语上，“他分文不取，精打细算地把钱都转给承建商，美国钢铁建筑公司。”合汉语用法吗？我认为“他分文不取，精打细算地把钱都转给承建商——美国钢铁建筑公司。”才是正确的写法。]

On January 1, 1909, six months before the Balmoral was to open, Mr. Banwell announced that all but two of the apartments were already let.
1909年元旦那天，距离巴尔摩罗开门揖客尚有半年，邦威先生宣布公寓近乎售罄，仅剩两套。
[翻译是件细腻活，这处就是个很好的例证。“近乎售罄”、“were already let”，其实“Let”只有出租的意思，并非出售。而且上文中也有“租金耸人听闻，高达每月495美元”以作佐证。译作“近乎租尽”更合文意。]

her wrists tied together over her head, and her throat embraced by another binding, a man’s white silk tie, which a strong hand was making tight, exceedingly tight, causing her to choke.
她的手腕被绑在头顶，而喉咙缠着另外一根带子，白色的丝质男用领带，一只强健的手将之勒紧，越来越紧，令她窒息。
[恕我理解不了“她的手腕被绑在头顶”的样子，另外“而喉咙缠着另外一根带子，白色的丝质男用领带，”同样不合汉语规则，“而喉咙缠着另外一根带子——一条白色的丝质领带”更合常规]

His suit was of excellent cloth, with a watch chain and cravat in the continental style.
他的西装用料上乘，系着怀表链和欧洲大陆风格的领带。
[cravat=领带 吗？ No，请李译者好好去查查辞典。]

Jung, who was about thirty-five, made a markedly different impression. He was better than six feet tall, unsmiling, blue-eyed, dark-haired, with an aquiline nose, a pencil-thin mustache, and a great expanse of forehead—quite attractive to women, I should have thought, although he lacked Freud’s ease.
约莫三十五岁的荣格给我留下了非常不同的印象。他身高超过六英尺，不苟言笑，蓝眼珠，黑头发，鼻子弯曲，留着小胡子，天庭饱满——我得承认，这对女人颇有吸引力。
[何谓“鼻子弯曲”，莫非是荣格长着个歪鼻子？其实就是“鹰钩鼻”
另外，“I should have thought, although he lacked Freud’s ease”跑哪儿去了，李译者漏译了。]

“Capital,” said Freud. “You won’t believe it: I found a steward reading my Psychopathology of Everyday Life.”
“No!” Brill replied. “Ferenczi must have put him up to it.”
“很棒。”弗洛伊德说：“说来你不相信，我发现有个水手在看我的《日常生活的精神病理学》。”
“我信，”布里尔回答说：“肯定是费伦齐怂恿他看的。”
[这处的错误更是显而易见，“我信，”布里尔回答说：“肯定是费伦齐怂恿他看的。”，既然信了，干嘛还说是有人怂恿水手看的呢？]

The victim’s wrists, crossed and suspended together over her head, were so slight, her fingers so graceful, her long legs so demure.
受害人的手腕交叉被吊在头顶，绑得很紧，她的手指是那么优雅，修长的腿是那么端庄。
[were so slight 被翻译作“绑得很紧”，李译者的眼神甚好，能把slight 看作是tight。]

The girl winced as the gentlest possible stroke was administered to one of her bare thighs.
女孩的大腿被极其轻柔地划过，她身子一缩。
[bare thighs，缺译了bare。]

Gently but implacably, the silk tie around the girl’s throat drew tighter.
缓慢而坚定地，缠着女孩喉咙的丝带变得越来越紧，紧得她几乎无法呼吸。
[silk tie，前译早就交待清楚，是条“丝质领带”，此处何以又成了“丝带”呢？
另外，“紧得她几乎无法呼吸”，何来之有？]

She felt a hand on her mouth, its fingers running lightly over her lips. Then those fingers drew the silk tie yet tighter, so that even her choking stopped.
她感觉嘴巴里有只手，手指轻轻抚弄她的舌头，然后那些手指将丝带拉得更紧，紧得她连气都噎不出来。
[its fingers running lightly over her lips，“手指轻轻抚弄她的舌头”？我为了确认，再三查证，证明了lip确实没有“舌头”的意思，李译者看来是创新了。]