决定婚姻幸福的几个因素，” How to Have a Healthy Marriage”读后感

yuntop

前面参与一个帖子讨论婚姻，引起了我对影响婚姻幸福的因素的好奇――我自己没有实践经验，都是从旁边的例子判断，因此我希望能找到比较客观的，比较严密的研究结论。

    网上有不少这类的研究报告，我找到一篇我觉得是相对最可信最权威的文章分析。一篇美国The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center (NHMRC) 国家健康婚姻资源中心，官方网站上找到的研究文章：
How to Have a Healthy Marriage（如何拥有一个健康成功的婚姻？）

源文件http://www.healthymarriageinfo.o ... -AE9B-2428CC70744B}

    [Healthy有人翻译成健康的，我从文章的内容判断，加上成功幸福这层的意思；注：帖子中英文部分全部都是摘抄自那篇文章，我不加引号了。后面的中文不加说明就是我的翻译解释，有些个人解读在里面，不一定客观。]

一、   首先要界定什么是“健康成功”healthy:

Q1. What is a \"healthy\" marriage? How is it defined?
We all have our own ideas about what defines a \"healthy marriage.\" And while there are many ways to have a healthy marriage, scholars in the United States emphasize the following 10 elements: 1
什么是健康成功的婚姻？每个人都有自己的看法，但是美国的学者们认为有以下十个重要标志：

·   Commitment: Spouses have a long-term perspective toward their relationship. They intend to persevere when troubles come up, and they are willing to sacrifice their personal needs for each other. Commitment involves dedication and constraints. Dedication refers to individuals' desires to put their partners' needs and the relationship above their own desires. Constraint refers to things that keep people in a relationship even when they are unhappy, such as social pressure, concern for the welfare of one's children, financial concerns, and the difficulty of ending the relationship. Although constraints contribute to the stability of marriage, it is dedication that is related to marital satisfaction. 2
1。 夫妻愿意努力将关系维持地尽可能长久。 愿意妥协牺牲的夫妻生活才是幸福的婚姻生活。

·   Satisfaction: Overall, individuals are happy and satisfied with their relationship. This does not mean that the marriage has no problems and challenges, or that married couples don't go through periods when they are not happy in their marriage. But overall, healthy marriages are happy, satisfying relationships. At any one time, about 90 percent of married people say they are very satisfied with their marriage. 3
2。 夫妻对婚姻满意。虽然满意不一定是健康幸福的标志，但总体而言健康的婚姻关系是愉快满意的关系。（哇，居然有90%的夫妻对婚姻生活满意。 中国不知道有没有那么高？）

·   Communication: Couples interact with each other to exchange information and solve problems in respectful, positive ways. The way that couples communicate with each other-in positive and negative ways-is one of the strongest indicators of how healthy a relationship is and whether the marriage will last. 4
3。有充分的交流：以积极的态度交流～

·   Effective Conflict Resolution: Virtually all couples have serious differences and disagreements. How they handle these disagreements can make the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship. An important indicator of a healthy marriage is a couple's ability to address or resolve a conflict without personal criticism, contempt, or defensiveness. 5
4。能有效解决矛盾。夫妻如何处理矛盾的能力对成功的婚姻很关键哦。

·   Lack of Violence and Abuse: Even though conflict is a normal part of marriage, aggression and violence indicate an unhealthy relationship. This includes verbal, physical, and sexual aggression and abuse. Abuse of any children in the relationship also is unacceptable and illegal.
5。没有暴力和虐待。呵呵，verbal，口头上的粗话也不行哪，那样的婚姻也不幸福～

·   Sexual Fidelity or Faithfulness: Spouses keep intimate physical relationships within the bonds of marriage. Virtually all married individuals endorse this value. And most adhere to it; only about 10-15 percent of women and 25 percent of men report they were unfaithful to their spouse while they were married. Infidelity is one of the most common reasons people give for a divorce.
6。性方面满足并且忠诚。哇，居然只有百分之10－15的mm说婚后有出墙行为，比我想象的要低很多啊。看来还是老实人多。Gg们就要多近一倍了，25%。出墙是离婚的最大源头！

·   Intimacy and Emotional Support: Couples in a healthy marriage are physically and emotionally intimate with each other. They trust, care for, and love each other. Becoming emotionally unfaithful to a spouse, even without actual sexual involvement, can indicate that a marriage is not healthy. 6
7。亲密无间，精神上互相帮助。文章中特地指出，如果感情上不忠，即使没有实际的肉体出墙，这样婚姻也是不健康幸福的。看来在街上对着ppmm意淫的时候也要考虑下会不会影响婚姻的幸福呢。

·   Friendship and Spending Time Together: Although couples differ in the amount of time they spend interacting and doing things together, in a healthy marriage couples enjoy being together. They are friends; they respect each other and enjoy each other's company. Friendship and time together is more important to some cultural groups than to others. 7
8。喜欢共处时光－－整天泡在外面打牌喝酒的婚姻是不健康的，呵呵，整天泡在实验室图书馆也不是成功的婚姻啊－－当然两个人一起泡就会甜蜜很多了。

·   Commitment to Children: Not all married couples have children, or have children living with them. But in a healthy marriage with children, the couple is committed to the development and well-being of all their children.
9。致力于孩子的身心健康－－这点是对于有孩子的夫妻来说的。

·   Duration and Legal Status: The optimal environment for raising children is a family with two biological parents in a healthy marriage that endures for a long time. Believing in the permanence of the relationship actually helps to sustain a healthy marriage; those who don't believe that marriage should be permanent have a harder time sustaining a healthy marriage. Marriage is a legal status with deep meaning. Marriage not only is a commitment to another person but also a public commitment to society to behave in certain constructive ways. And in turn, society supports the relationship and the children in that union. Research is making it clear that living together without marriage or at least firm plans to marry is, on average, a less healthy experience for both adults and any children in that union. 8
10。 婚姻合法并持久。特地讲了下，合法的婚姻比同居要健康，合法的婚姻能从整个社会获得支持――婚姻不仅是和个人相关，也和整个社会相关。

yuntop

二、 幸福成功的婚姻的重要十一点影响因素：

·  Individuals who have more of each of these are more likely to have a healthy and successful marriage: 10
·   Age (at least up to early-to-mid-20s).
1。年龄

·   Education and income.
2。教育和收入

·   Emotional health.
3。感情的健康 （这是不是说开朗随和积极的人比较容易有幸福的婚姻呢？）

·   Religious affiliation and religious practice.
4。宗教因素

·   Similar characteristics as their partner (age, race, social and economic status).
5。状况靠近相似：年龄、种族、社会地位、经济状况

·   Similar attitudes, values, and beliefs.
6。信仰价值观靠近

·   Acquaintance (that is, they have been together for more than a short time and know each other well).
7。熟悉――了解比较多。
   我感觉这点还是比较客观的，一见钟情只是开始，能不能处好，延续，很大程度决定于双方的了解多少。

·   Family stability and health (that is, their parents did not divorce, had good mental health, and a reasonably happy family growing up) and partner's family stability (when both spouses experienced the divorce of their parents growing up, they face a higher risk of divorce). 11
8。来自健康稳定的家庭：父辈的婚姻对子女的婚姻影响也很大啊。我以前就看过有研究表明，离婚的家庭，子女的离婚可能性也比较大。这篇文章这个论点的参考文献是：Nicholas H. Wolfinger. (2005). Understanding the divorce cycle: The children of divorce in their own marriages. New York: Cambridge University Press. 剑桥大学出版社的《认识“离婚的周而复始”》

·   Support from family and friends for the marriage (as opposed to thinking the union isn't a good idea).
9。得到朋友和家庭的祝福和支持。

·   Social and interpersonal skills (especially positive communication and problem-solving skills).
10。有沟通能力，问题解决能力

·   Also, those who have had less premarital sexual experience and who have not lived together before marriage or engagement have more healthy and successful marriages. Individuals who have lived together with several partners face especially high risks. 12
11。尽量少的婚前同居经历。说实话，看到最后一点我觉得有点不可思议，婚前同居多居然会影响将来的婚姻生活？我乍一看，还以为是哪个基督教徒研究者的观点，不过我接着又看了下reference:
Jay Teachman. (2003). Premarital sex, premarital cohabitation, and the risk
of subsequent marital dissolution among women. Journal of Marriage and
Family, 65, 444-455. David Popenoe & Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. (2002). Should
we live together? What young adults need to know about cohabitation before
marriage. Piscataway, NJ: The National Marriage Project.

   最后这个观点源自的文章是来自《婚姻和家庭期刊》和一个美国国家婚姻研究项目，看起来都是很正经的研究啊。

   原文还有蛮多信息对我很有启发，这里推荐一阅。

yuntop

第三  我的感想

    我前面帖子谈了我个人认为影响婚姻的两个最主要因素：

我个人觉得第一个是经济一定要有保证，男同志们要努力挣钱啊。。贫贱夫妻百事哀。经济上去了，
不用自己打扫房间，有车有房（也不用太好，经济型的，一般单元房），日常生活的矛盾就会少非常多。

第二个是两个人生活习惯、价值观、性格不能差太远。我个人觉得婚姻这个抽象的概念化成具体，就是
两个人一起渡过每一天，这中间肯定要有sacrifice和compromise，成熟的男女一定都知道这点，但是
妥协和牺牲不能太大，如果太大了，婚姻带来的幸福感就不会强，能不能走远就比较不好说了。

有了这两个基础，婚姻就有了起码的幸福保障，然后如果两人都愿意make effort，愿意在平凡的生活中
增添浪漫气息，那就更美妙啦～～

    看来也不算太离谱，概括了上面11点中的许多点因素。（毕竟也看了太多身边亲朋好友的案例了。）
    偶根据上面的文章的心得，再加一个体会：还有一个因素就是个人性格好坏，处理问题能力对婚姻影响也很大。我想这就是好多男生希望找个性格温柔、善良的mm的原因－－的确会比较好处。

－－－－－－－－－

    另外对于幸福婚姻标准的第五点：
·  Lack of Violence and Abuse: Even though conflict is a normal part of marriage, aggression and violence indicate an unhealthy relationship. This includes verbal, physical, and sexual aggression and abuse. Abuse of any children in the relationship also is unacceptable and illegal.
5。没有暴力和虐待。呵呵，verbal，口头上的粗话也不行哪，那样的婚姻也不幸福～

    这个我也是体会很深啊。情侣之间都非常在乎对方，口头上的伤害，要比一般人要严重的多。发火的时候容易任由自己的脾气，而不注意严辞，这种伤害，我想即使日后和好，也是很难完全消除负面影响的。夫妻情侣间真是要“慎言莫冒犯别人”啊。

woi55

对婚姻若能如此用心经营，这本身就够了，或许已用不上什么理论的指导。只可惜通常我们都是深陷其中，难以抽离出来，像文章中那样冷静客观地对自己的婚姻进行分析。呵呵。  

caudev

婚姻是很复杂的学科。

我觉得其中需要很多的智慧，重要的两点我感觉是互相欣赏并且尊重。

donno2000

互相理解并宽容的对待配偶很重要啊。

肺腑之言。

tdxtdx

自我认知中，谢谢分享

motazra

yuntop 发表于 2007-1-18 06:29
第三  我的感想

    我前面帖子谈了我个人认为影响婚姻的两个最主要因素：

你不自己到扫房间，让谁给你倒扫？