美国人的政治幽默

Barry

About.com的政治幽默频道是美国最大的政治讽刺文学交换中心，其中又以Lastnight最受欢迎，因为普通民众可以在那里自由的发布政治讽刺性笑话或者文学，对最近发生的政治事件进行冷嘲热讽，所以更新很快。
　　
　　Lastnight将其中的精华整理起来按星期划分存档，本贴将选择其中部分翻译。
　　
　　事件背景：
　　前段时间，美国副总统切尼Dick Cheney在打猎时误射中了一个老律师的头部。
　　Bush坚持要把六个最大的港口交给阿拉伯联合酋长国（迪拜）政府的公司来管理，遭到国会强烈反对，目前已经正式被否决。
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　　\"The president has arranged for al Qaeda to guard our ports. This is part of his new plan to fight them here so we don't have to fight them there.\" --Bill Maher
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　　总统现在正在安排让基地组织来管理我们的港口，这是他的新的反恐计划的一部分，这样，我们在这边就可以打击他们，而不必再跑到那边。
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　　\"Hillary Clinton said today that she didn't know her husband, Bill Clinton, was giving the Arabs advice on the port deal while she was ruling against it. Can you believe that? Hillary was clueless about a major political event. You know what that means. she could really be the next president of the United States.\" --Jay Leno
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　　希拉里.克林顿说，她不知道他的丈夫，Bill Clinton，在她反对和迪拜交易的时候，正在给这个阿拉伯国家指点如何才能够赢得这笔交易。你相信吗？希拉里居然在这样一个重大的政治问题上犯糊涂!你知道这意味着什么吗？--她能够胜任美国的下一届总统了！
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　　\"Vice President Dick Cheney has donated $2.7 million to the hospital at the George Washington University. He wants to make sure the next guy he shoots is taken care of first-class.\" --Jay Leno
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　　副总统Dick Cheney切尼今天给**大学的医院捐了270万美元--他要确保他将要射击的下一个家伙现在能受到一流的保护。
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　　\"The Oscars were seen in over 100 countries, two of which don't hate us.\" --Jay Leno
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　　奥斯卡在超过100个国家里直播，其中有两个是不憎恨我们的。
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　　\"The video tape that everybody is talking about this week is the one of President Bush ... being warned by federal disaster officials repeatedly the day before Katrina struck. They're constantly saying to him it's going to happen and he doesn't ask a single question. I think it's a shame the president's performance was too late for this year's Oscars because, usually when you play a retarded guy, you're going to win.\" --Bill Maher
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　　这个周末大家都在讨论一盘有关于布什的录像：在Katrina飓风袭击之前，灾害办公室人员反复警告布什可能发生的事情，但是他一点反应都没有。
　　看到此，我为布什总统感到十分惋惜：今年的Oscars已经过去了，通常扮演痴呆的家伙在里面都能赢得大奖。
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　　\"At least in India he was greeted by thousands of people waving American flags. They were on fire.\" --Bill Maher
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　　在印度，他总算受到了上千挥舞着美国国旗的人们所欢迎，当然，那些国旗是燃烧着的。
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　　\"This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains.\" --Tina Fey
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　　总统出人意外的访问了阿富汗。总统大概是听说了那是一个适合走投无路的领导人藏身的好地方。
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　　\"Dick Cheney will resign in the year 2007. That's what they're saying. In fact Cheney, himself, said today he's going to leave when shooting guys in the face just isn't fun anymore.\" --Jay Leno
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　　Dick Cheney将在2007年辞职，那是他们说的。实际上，Dick Cheney透露，他之所以想离开是因为觉得向别人脸上射击已经不再好玩了。
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　　\"resident Bush said today his plan to fight terrorism is simple and straightforward -- go after the evildoers, track them down, find out where they're hiding and then sell them our seaports.\" --Jay Leno
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　　Bush说现在他的反恐计划简单而且直接--追踪那些坏蛋，把他们从藏身之处挖出来，然后将我们的港口卖给他们。
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　　\"resident Bush, talking about the port deal, he said we Americans have nothing to fear from the Dubai government running our ports. I know a good way for President Bush to convince everyone of that -- let the Dubai government handle his security. Hey if it's good enough for us, it should be good enough for him.\" --Jay Leno
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　　Bush提到了港口交易时说，美国人民不需要因为迪拜政府管理我们的港口而担心，我知道一个Bush让大家闭嘴的好办法：让迪拜政府负责他个人的安全工作。
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　　\"Documents were introduced in court today to link Saddam Hussein to a 1982 massacre. Saddam claims it was just a hunting accident.\" --Jay Leno
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　　法庭指控萨达姆制造了1982屠杀事件，萨达姆辩解说，那只是一次打猎时的意外罢了。
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　　President Bush right now is in India. He's in India. So it's comforting to know that Quick-Draw Cheney has his finger on the button.\" --David Letterman
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　　Bush现在在印度。他在印度噢！这让人欣慰的想到现在哪个喜欢乱扳拉扳的Cheney，手指正放在核弹的按钮上。
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　　\"resident Bush also going to visit Pakistan. I think he wants to put them in charge of our airport security.\" --Jay Leno
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　　Bush正在访问Pakistan，我想他大约想让他们来管理我们的机场安全吧。
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　　\"Looks like some kind of civil war brewing in Iraq. Well, who could have seen that coming? That came out of left field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is Dick Cheney now.\" --Jay Leno
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　　看起来伊拉克象是爆发了内战，嗯，谁能够看到接下来会发生什么呢？我们不妨把形势估计的恶劣一点：哪里完全一片混乱，人们手里拿着枪游荡在街上，看上去好像人人都象Dick Cheney。
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　　\"Bush is not backing down. He says if this deal doesn't go through, it's going to be a slap in the face to the Arabs, which is amazingly ironic because we have four guys in Guantanamo Bay whose specific job is to slap Arabs in the face.\" --Bill Maher
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　　Bush不会屈服，他说，假如港口交易不能通过，那么无异于往阿拉伯人们脸上打了一记耳光。噢，这听起来真是令人惊讶，因为我们不是有四个家伙在Guantanamo湾那里，专门在打阿拉伯人的耳光？
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　　\"Bush is in command. When he heard that sectarian militias had killed Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria.\" --Bill Maher
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　　Bush发布命令了！当他听说宗派主义人士杀害在伊拉克人民，他发布命令说：马上入侵宗派主义！
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　　\"Osama says 'the U.S. will never get me alive'. I think that's probably true. He is going to die of old age.\" --David Letterman
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　　拉登说“美国决不会活捉到我的”；我想是的，因为他也快要老死了。