汇丰银行商务写作教程（18）
Being Concise: How To Do ItWhat is a concise sentence?
A concise sentence is a short sentence.
How can you keep your sentences short?
Look at the long sentence below and try to make it shorter. Write your revision on a piece of paper.
\"For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20 April.\"
Suggested revision:
\"I would like to advise you of the details.
We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20 April.\"
Take a moment to compare your own revision with the one above.
How are the two revisions similar? How are they different?
In the revision above, three strategies were used to make the original sentence shorter.
To write concise sentences
l write only the necessary words
l write only one idea in each sentence
l write only in the active voice of the verb.
STRATEGY 1 - WRITE ONLY THE NECESSARY WORDS
The original sentence contains some unnecessary words.
\"For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20 April.\"
One phrase - \"For your information\" - is unnecessary. Why? Because this phrase does not add any meaning to the sentence. It only makes it longer. So, you can remove it.
\"Please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20 April.\"
Actually, many unnecessary words are used in business correspondence.
A common example is \"forward planning\". In this phrase, \"forward\" is unnecessary. After all, does anyone ever plan backwards?
Look at the 'wordy phrases' below. Remove the unnecessary words to make the phrases more concise.
1) repeat again
2) small in size
3) cooperate together
4) for the purpose of
Answer: unnecessary words: again, in size, together, the purpose of
STRATEGY 2 - ONE IDEA IN EACH SENTENCE
The original sentence actually has two main ideas.
\"Please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20 April.\"
There are two ideas in the sentence because there are two main verbs in the sentence: \"advise\" and \"sent\".
So, you can separate the two main ideas - and the two main verbs - into two sentences.
\"I would like to advise you of the details.
The Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20 April.\"
Actually, you can separate the sentences into two paragraphs. Do you know why?
You can use two paragraphs because
\"to advise\" is the purpose of this letter, which is part of the \"Opening\" in the SOFAR outline.
the fact that the application was sent belongs in the \"Facts\" section.
Refer to Chapter 2 if you need more information about the SOFAR outline.
A long sentence has more than one verb. You can make a long sentence shorter by writing a separate sentence for each main verb in the long sentence.
Remember: if you write long sentences, you create a problem for your readers. They need to read the sentence several times in order to understand it.
Recent research has shown that
l if your sentence has 10 words or less, your reader will understand 98% of the message after reading it once
l if your sentence has 20 words or less, your reader will understand 75% of the message after reading it once
l if your sentence has more than 20 words, your reader will understand only 4% of the message after reading it once (and will have to read it again and again and... ).
STRATEGY 3 - USE THE ACTIVE VOICE
The original sentence has now been revised as two sentences.
The second sentence contains a verb in the passive voice.
\"The Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20 April.\"
Usually, a verb in the passive voice uses more words. It is also more difficult for the reader to understand. So, you can change the verb from the passive to the active voice.
\"We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20 April.\"
In business correspondence, you should use the active voice as much as possible.
However, there are some situations when it is more suitable to use the passive voice.
Look at the six sentences below. They all contain a verb in the passive voice. In three sentences, the verb should be changed to the active voice. However, in the other three sentences, the verb should not be changed.
Try to identify which three sentences should not be changed.
1) Our manager was contacted by your office yesterday.
2) Ms Chan's credit cards were stolen last week.
3) Stopping payment of the cheques was considered by Mr Smith.
4) Your request for an assistant was approved.
5) The computer is now used by most staff for their correspondence.
6) Your deposit was not made through the Automated Teller Machine.
Keys: 2), 4), 6)
In business writing, you should use the active voice of the verb as much as possible.
However, you should use the passive voice of the verb in three situations:
l the person doing the action is not known
(Ms Chan's credit cards were stolen last week.)
l the person doing the action is not important
( Your request for an assistant was approved.)
l the person doing the action shouldn't be blamed
(Your deposit was not made through the Automated Teller Machine.)
Do the exercise below to practise revising sentences to make them concise.
All of the sentences below can be made shorter.
Rewrite the sentences to make them concise. You can split the sentences if you like.
1) The cheque has not been received by us and if you want to stop payment of it please sign and return the enclosed form. (24 words).
2) We have lowered interest rates with a view to stimulating consumer spending. (12 words)
3) The revised insurance policy has been enclosed for your reference and please contact us if you have any questions. (19 words)
4) It is the same and identical approach used by us last year. (12 words)
Suggested revisions:
1) We have not received your cheque yet. To stop payment, please sign and return the enclosed form. (17 words)
2) We have lowered interest rates to stimulate consumer spending. (9 words)
3) We have enclosed the revised insurance policy. If you have any questions, please call us on 2345-xxxx. (17 words)
4) We used the same approach last year. (7 words)
我们已经学会怎样将商务信件写得简洁明了，但是这就足够了吗？请继续关注下面的课程：怎样将商务信件写好.
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